how to optimize relationships
DCFs, DTFs, and everything in-between.
My friend and I were at the bar earlier this week, chatting about recent events. But with Valentine’s Day around the corner, I decided to switch things up from our usual sophisticated topics of DeepSeek and Dogecoin.
“So, what are your thoughts on a long-term relationship?” I asked, fully expecting him to have a controversial take. He paused, perhaps debating whether I’d consider his idea ingenious or insane, before, like the prophets of old, he finally revealed his epiphany:
“I don’t do marriage; I only do 5-year contracts.”
The look in his eyes said it all. This was a philosophy refined through decades of relationship experience, forged in the fires of intellectual craftsmanship, then quenched in 3 glasses of premium tonic water with Bombay Sapphire.
And I, as any reasonable person would, responded with:
“What the f*ck does that even mean?”
The Origins of an Idea (and Maybe a Bit of History)
To predate this story, let me take you back.
Marriage is a tradition dating back over 4,300 years, originating in Mesopotamia. It exists in nearly every modern and historical culture, each with its own elaborate customs celebrating the union of individuals.¹
And, for a long time in Western culture, marriage was contractual. It was used to establish relationships between the rich to secure land, power, and an heir to inherit the wealth to continue their legacy.¹
But that all changed in the 18th century, when the romantics showed up, preaching the joy and freedom of marrying "for love." Thanks, Shakespeare.²
That may have been a little too far back. Anyway, you get it—marriage is deep-rooted stuff.
Now, my friend is far from the first person to question the institution of marriage. This isn’t about who should be allowed to marry whom, gender roles, or any of the societal shifts that have revolutionized modern love.
This is much bigger than that. Its about a joke dream: transforming every part of daily life with an optimization formula designed to maximize total returns.
The 5-year contract embodies the true spirit of every finance and tech bro (or girl) out there, squeezing just a little more value from the lemon that is life.
The 5-Year Contract: Love, but Make It Efficient
So what exactly is it, and why is it revolutionary?
It’s exactly what it sounds like—a five-year agreement with another person, as if you just got signed to your favorite sports team. Except instead of a $300 million salary, you take out the garbage on Tuesdays and get laid twice a week.
No, but seriously.
When you sign an employment contract, you’re guaranteeing your value to an institution, rain or shine. The relationship contract expects the same level of commitment—structured, clear, and data-driven.
For the sake of comedy efficiency, I had GPT-4o draft a sample contract:
5-Year Relationship Contract
This agreement, made on [Date], is entered into by [Partner 1] and [Partner 2] for a fixed term of five (5) years. The parties agree to the following terms:
Mutual Growth: Both partners commit to supporting each other’s personal and professional goals, with quarterly progress reviews (yes, like performance evaluations, but hopefully with more compliments).
Emotional Well-being: Monthly emotional check-ins are mandatory, and therapy is encouraged as needed. No, bottling things up until you explode does not count as “handling it.”
Conflict Resolution: Disputes will be settled through structured communication, mediation, and, if necessary, a pre-agreed-upon snack offering as a peace treaty.
Autonomy Clause: Each partner is entitled to personal time, including one solo vacation per year. Yes, you can go to Thailand alone, and no, that’s not suspicious.
Shared Responsibilities: Household tasks will be divided equally or proportionately, with quarterly reviews to avoid passive-aggressive sighing.
Sexual Compatibility: Open communication is required regarding intimacy, with a flexible schedule that adapts to real-life energy levels (i.e., not a rigid “twice a week” deal unless that works for both parties).
Financial Independence: Individual and joint accounts will be maintained, and expenses will be divided based on pre-agreed terms. Surprise luxury purchases must come with advance notice—unless they include a puppy.
Exit Strategy: Six months before the contract expires, the relationship will be reviewed for renewal or dissolution. Think of it as a strategic pivot, not a breakup.
Social Balance: Partners will balance social obligations both independently and jointly, preventing one person from becoming the default RSVP-er for every event.
Flexibility Clause: Annual evaluations allow renegotiation of terms. Because life happens, and sometimes we realize “sleeping with the window open” is a non-negotiable issue.
Gratitude Requirement: Both partners agree to express appreciation regularly to maintain a positive relationship environment. (A simple “thanks for dealing with my chaos” goes a long way.)
Termination Clause: The agreement may be voided immediately in cases of infidelity, abuse, or any action significantly detrimental to the relationship (e.g., microwaving fish in a shared living space).
Signed,
[Partner 1]
[Partner 2]
[Date]
Of course, you can get specific with the details, but the essence remains the same: a clear, structured commitment that’s far more tangible than the ambiguous “lifelong commitment” of traditional marriage.
Commitment to do what? How? Can I track my performance? Is there an app for this?
Loose ideas like “romanticism” and “soulmates” won’t solve your crippling inability to communicate effectively or fix a broken relationship. We need data.
Damn. Sorry. Got a bit heated there.
Why 5 Years?
By now, you may be wondering: Why 5 years?
So I asked, and my friends gaze slowly drifted to the window, loosening the zipper of his Patagonia vest as he finished the last of his 5th gin and tonic.
“Well, it has to do with dreams,” he chuckled, and I braced myself once again for his profound wisdom after questioning all I knew about relationships.
Was it because five years is enough time to truly know someone, but not so long that you’ve wasted a huge chunk of your life? Was there statistical backing? Did he have some groundbreaking insight? What was I missing?
“FAANG has five letters.”
Thank you so much for reading today’s blog! If you enjoyed this, leave a comment and subscribe to my Substack. Welcome to the community!
¹ Wikipedia contributors. (2024, August 12). Marriage. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 01:55, August 16, 2024, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Marriage&oldid=1239915560
² Wikipedia contributors. (2025, January 30). Romanticism. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 05:34, February 5, 2025, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Romanticism&oldid=1272846300
This was so descriptive, vivid and funny! Love.
The look in his eyes said it all. This was a philosophy refined through decades of relationship experience, forged in the fires of intellectual craftsmanship, then quenched in 3 glasses of premium tonic water with Bombay Sapphire.
And I, as any reasonable person would, responded with:
“What the f*ck does that even mean?”